Our little Pop Tart

Our little Andrew is 4 months old today! These four months has felt like forever. I don’t remember my life without him and having him in my life seems like the most natural thing in the world. He's still not sleeping through the night. He usually wakes up every 3 - 4 hours to feed. On rare occasions, I get a 6 hour stretch and those are awesome!

The poor little guy has been suffering a cold for the last three weeks with a lot of coughing and congestion. But despite the discomfort of not being able to breathe properly, he has been a real trooper and has such a great attitude! He loves to laugh and smile and is really starting to show his personality. Mommy has brought him to my office a few times and gets so much attention from my colleagues.

At his doctor visit today, he weighed 12 pounds and measured 24″ tall. The doctor is a little concerned about his weight and told us to increase the powder in the formula. She also said he could start eating solid food but thinks we should wait a few weeks until his viral infection is gone.

He spits up quite a bit after feedings. I'm not sure if it because he is eating too much or I'm not burping him enough during feedings, but hopefully he will outgrow it soon! The doctor thinks it might be because of the mucus.

We have another doctor’s appointment in a week to check on his cold and his weight. They didn’t give him the scheduled vaccines today so we’ll need to wait until he feels better.

Andrew has started grabbing anything he can get his hands on

His birthmother gave us several Packers clothes

Having a baby through adoption is different than having a biological baby. For one thing, you don’t have a baby growing inside your wife for nine months so you don’t get attached to the baby as it develops in the womb. How will you instantly love this little person right after birth when you have never even experienced so much as feeling a kick, hearing the heartbeat, watching your wife’s belly (and baby) grow or sensing the anxiety about what you will do when your wife’s water breaks.

It is also different because the baby is genetically different than you and will not have your nose or her eyes or anyone’s hair. To make matters worse, you have no insight or control over his inherited medical issues. People will be able to see that this is not your baby. He is not made up from parts of you and therefore you have no biological or natural claim to it. 

Although I knew that whatever baby came into our life, that was the baby we were meant to have and raise, I still had these fears and thoughts about adoption. I thought when a baby was born, that I would have a detached sense of responsibility towards him that would over time grow into love. I also wondered if I would ever feel like he was truly my son since I had not created him and he was not biologically part of me. 

When I met the birth parents five weeks before Andrew was born, I was surprised at the similar personalities, educational backgrounds, career paths and ethnic heritage. This proved to solidify my belief that Andrew truly was the baby that we were meant to raise. The ethnic similarities gave me confidence that he would have similar features to my wife and me and allayed my concerns that he would not be biologically or genetically ours. The parallel personalities, educational backgrounds and career paths were eerily alike and made me think that I might have it all wrong. In essence, it was as if God was saying to make you believe that I have selected this child for you, I will show you traits of yourself in the birth parents. 

Andrew at 1 Day Old

We were in the waiting room during the delivery. Once Andrew was born, the nurse brought us back to meet him. As I saw him through the glass of the window of the nursery, my heart dissolved. That was MY son I was looking at. Immediately, our futures flashed before my eyes and I saw pictures of him crawling, talking, cheerios and goldfish, pumpkin carvings, playing catch in the back yard, going camping, his first date, his first car (panic attack), graduation, Halloween costumes, Christmas, and him growing up to be an old man. I didn’t have to wait for the love to grow over time; I was already in love. 

We were fortunate in that, we were given our own private room at the hospital. Andrew stayed with us in our room and the doctors and nurses came to talk to us about whatever needed to be discussed or decisions needed to be made. It made us feel as if we were the ones who had given birth. 

Andrew at 10 Weeks Old

Now, 11 weeks later, I love him with all my heart and there is no question in my mind that he is MY son just as if I had created him.

We spent exactly two weeks in Dallas although at the time it seemed like an eternity. Legally speaking, we could not leave the Republic of Texas; practically speaking, we were confined to our two room suite for a fortnight. The building was old and the furniture was worn and depressing, and the television, with its limited selection of channels didn’t do much to help with the confinement. The worst thing was that the hotel’s internet connection was worthless. The weather was getting cold and Andrew was just a week old so we did not want to take him out unless we had to. I used my points and got the entire stay for free so I was not in a position to complain or change hotels. Plus, the staff at the hotel was very pleasant and made us feel welcome.

It was an unusual feeling spending four days in the hospital with people who until a few weeks ago you didn’t know. It’s also hard to describe the emotions of bonding with someone you don’t know very well over something as intimate as a child. During our time with them in the hospital, we got to better understand their relationship and their reasons for placing Andrew for adoption. This gave me confidence that they would go through with the adoption when the time came. They both also kept saying to us that we were the only people they would want raising Andrew, which made us feel like they saw in us what we see in ourselves as parents.

It was a good thing we were in Dallas because we had to print documents, have them notarized and mail them off to the attorney. I tried doing this at the hotel but I was unsuccessful because of the internet issues. We decided to go my Dallas office where I could have the office manager help me. She was great and took care of everything. All I had to do was sign on the dotted line. My staff in Dallas got to meet Andrew and promptly started to rub it in to my staff back home. Needless to say, my staff back home is now jealous and really wants to meet him. I also went into the office another couple of days just to do work. The rest of the time I worked from the hotel room.

We spent the rest of the time making trips to doctors and getting supplies at Target which was conveniently located across the highway. I was eager to start my new life and new routine back in my comfortable and familiar house.

As anyone could imagine, it has been a stressful and exciting two weeks since Andrew was born. We spent four days in the hospital with Andrew.

The nurses were very nice and went against hospital protocol and gave us our own room. We kept Andrew with us in our room. When the nurses came to check on him they talked to us as if we were his parents even though at that point, legally we were not. My wife says it made her feel as if she had given birth to Andrew herself and made the whole experience richer for the both of us.

On the second day in the hospital, we ran into a legal glitch that got me worried. The national adoption agency we are using contracted with a local agency to handle all the paperwork for the adoption and be the agency of record. This local agency didn’t like our paperwork and wanted us to have our home study re-done. Our adoption specialist made a few phone calls and then called me to tell me that we needed to change horses in the middle of the race. They said that instead of doing an agency adoption as planned, we would do a private adoption. They got us in touch with the lawyer who would handle everything. He explained the differences between agency and private adoptions. A private adoption has less rules which works in our favor but it also has more risk. We were planning on taking on that risk anyway so we agreed to go this route.

On the third day, the doctor told us that Andrew has a hole in his heart called a “VSD”. The cardiologist said that it will likely close up by itself but that it is something that should be monitored until it does. We also found out that he has two blockages in his arteries which are also common defects in newborns. These are also expected to improve as he grows. The cardiologist spent time making sure we understood that there was nothing to be concerned about. Naturally, I still worry, but I try to remind myself of the doctors words.

Everyone was released from the hospital on the fourth day. The birth parents signed over guardianship and custody of Andrew over to us. I got my camera out and took a few pictures of everyone and then we hugged and went our separate ways. Since then we have been living in a hotel in Dallas waiting for approval from the state to allow us to leave.

Living in a hotel, in particular this hotel, has been quite depressing. I am eager to get back home where we will all be more comfortable. I am also eager to get back to my routines so feel like I have my life back. This state of limbo has made me feel gloomy. I think some of the sadness also has to do with the stress of a new life change.

We made it to Dallas just fine. I am thinking that the Boeing 737 we flew might be too small for the return trip with a baby in our arms. I’ll investigate a plane that has three seats together. I’m hoping that will be more comfortable and less cramped.

Over the last two days we have spent a lot of time with the birth parents; so much so that I hope they still like us. I’m sure they do, but it is always a fear in the back of your mind.

The big news is that Andrew was born today! He weighs 7 lbs 11 ounces and is 19 inches tall. He has a full head of hair to the point that he looks a little shaggy – but in a cute way. He is everything I could hope. He is cute, adorable and every other word you can use to describe a baby. He spent most of the day sleeping, which I assume is expected; so not much crying but I suspect that will change very soon.

All the newborn tests have not been done yet, but there are no glaring issues so far and I’m keeping my fingers crossed. He is expected to be released from the hospital on Sunday so we made an appointment with a local pediatrician for Monday for his “newborn” checkup. We will make another appointment in two weeks for his “two-week” checkup. Hopefully after that, we will be able to take him home.

I can’t wait to get home. I’ve only spent two days in this hotel and I already hate it. I picked it because it is a suite with a separate bedroom and kitchen, but the building is old and makes me feel a bit depressed. I keep finding little issues with the room or hotel. I need to stop watching Hotel Impossible!

Emotionally, it does not seem real to me. I am very excited and scared at the same time.

When we were discussing names for the baby, the birth mother had mentioned that she liked the name Thomas Anthony. My wife, being a school teacher, said that every teacher has a list of names that are trouble, and Anthony is on hers. She has had bad experiences with boys named Anthony. We wanted to honor the birth parents in some way for giving us such a precious gift and thought we could use Thomas as a middle name. We had not thought much about first names. I always assumed that if I had a boy that he would be named William Robert so I could call him Billy Bob. That does not work as well with Thomas. If he was John Thomas we could call him JT.

Last week in church the name Andrew came to me and I turned to my wife and said, “Our son’s name is Andrew Thomas”. Honestly I am not sure where the name came from and I am still getting used to it. My wife was talking to the birth mother the other day and she once again asked if we had thought of any names. Before my wife could tell her the name we selected, the birth mother said that her daughter’s last name is Andrew and they were thinking that Andrew Thomas might be a nice name. She asked if we might consider it. The conversation got eerily quiet after my wife told her that we had already selected the name Andrew Thomas. It seems that at every corner there are signs that this baby is meant for us, but I just don’t want to jinx anything.

Last week we lost out on two opportunities to adopt a baby. Both birth mothers decided on other families. We understood the first one but the second one left us a little confused because we really felt like that was “the one” for us. He was of mixed-race and we thought the birth mother would be attracted to our colorful family. The baby was born with club feet and would need long-term medical attention to correct the issue. Somehow, for me this imperfection made the baby perfect partly because I see myself as an imperfect human.

We were disappointed at this but not devastated because it seemed like our profile had been getting a lot of traction lately. I was becoming convinced that it was just a matter of time before we would have a child of our own. Within that same week, our social worker contacted us about yet another possible match.

A 37 year old woman will be giving birth to a boy in Dallas, TX around Thanksgiving. Although the expense of this particular adoption is out of our budget, we agreed to be considered. After three years of looking, I was not about to let money stop me and I also assumed that based on our previous track record, we would not be selected so the money would be a moot point. Ironically, I was planning on being in Dallas this week for business. I was not sure if God was trying to tell me something or not.

I have never told anyone at work or any of our friends about any of the opportunities that have come our way. There was a certain excitement about this particular one that I was not able to contain. My boss has adopted two girls and understands the struggles. He and I have talked frequently about my frustrations. He was the first one I told. I said to him, “There is a pregnant woman in Dallas” and he immediately thought that the woman we hired two weeks ago in our Dallas office is pregnant. I had to quickly explain at which point he was relieved and excited. I also told my coworker about the situation.

By Friday morning we still had not heard anything and we were starting to get anxious. I emailed Kansas City and my social worker said that we would not hear anything until this week. Over the weekend, I tried to put it out of my mind because it was no different than any of the other times we had been disappointed. On Sunday, I packed up my suitcase and flew to Dallas with a strange feeling. I was going to a city that had the potential of changing my life forever.

We received notification that we have been matched with a birth mother on Monday. Because I was already in Dallas, I met the birth mother for dinner and things went really well. About as well as you can expect when two strangers meet for the first time for something as intimate as a baby. I felt like we really connected and had a lot in common. Now it is just a matter of waiting for the baby to arrive!