Our first Mother’s Day was nice. We took my mom out to lunch on Saturday so we could spend the day together as a family on Sunday. Each Sunday we have every intention of going but something ends up derailing our plans. Once again, we did not make it to church. Jen got busy running errands and by the time we got ready we decided we would be very late.

We had planned on going for a picnic after church, so we decided to fast forward to the park. We placed our blanket and chairs near the river. There was a sweet breeze flowing off the water to cool our skin. It was nice to sit out there in the sun but also partially shaded by the trees. I tried to enjoy every minute of it because I knew that the week ahead would become hot and humid. I generally do not like any type of weather, hot or cold. Jen made amazing ham and cheese sandwiches on sourdough bread with dill pickles. We also had some really creamy potato salad. She had also packed mango for me but I was pretty full from the sandwich so I ate the mango once I got home.

There were quite a number of families present but it just made me feel like now I was part of the club. I would like to go back when it is a bit less crowded. I took a few pictures of Andrew and we played with him for a while. After lunch, we decided to hike one of the short trails in the park that runs along the river. I know Andrew had a big day but so did we. I was exhausted by the time we got back to the car. On our way home we stopped at Baskin-Robins for sundaes. I took a three hour nap once we finally got home.

Over the weekend Andrew’s breathing worsened. He was breathing rapidly and wheezing. It felt like he had acquired a new infection. I tried to aspirate his nose to no avail. The bulb aspirator did not inflate once inserted into his nostrils. It felt as if his sinuses were inflamed as no air seemed to be passing through his nose. There was no point in calling the pediatrician because we already had a previously scheduled appointment on Monday. We just had to get through the weekend.

At the pediatrician Jen started to cry in helpless frustration because Andrew has been struggling and sick for the last 10 weeks. The doctor prescribed an antibiotic and there was not much more to do. That evening I was not satisfied so I called the pulmonologist and scheduled an appointment for the next morning. He suggested a stronger antibiotic and discussed doing an upper GI test to see if there are any “rare” conditions that they have not ruled out. We go back to see him tomorrow for a follow up.

I also took Andrew to the cardiologist recently. The VSD (a hole) is causing his heart to grow at a faster rate than the rest of his body. This is causing extra fluid to go in his lungs and making it harder to breathe and fight off lung infections. The cardiologist explained that in a normal person, an infection lasts about a week but in Andrew an infection lasts about six weeks. He gets infected with new viruses before the old ones have gone away. This is why he has been continuously sick since February. He will likely have some sort of an infection until the summer.

The solution is to do open heart surgery to close the VSD. So the little guy is having a really hard first year but I am optimistic that things will improve after all is said and done. I know his angels are watching over him and I’ve prayed for my angles to watch over him as well.

The thought of him being so sick and to have to go through such serious surgery at a young age frightens me. I can’t imagine what we would do without him. I try not to think about the surgery or even the illness. I keep reminding myself that God has blessed us with THIS child for a reason. That reason could be to help him get through the critical early years of his life.

Ever since the beginning of the year, I have been looking forward to Easter weekend. A friend announced that she was getting married the day before Easter. The wedding is four hours away in a very small town. About 30 miles from the town is a very nice resort that I wanted to experience. I made reservations for four days at the resort and looked forward to going on our first vacation as a family. The resort offered an Easter Egg Hunt and pictures with the Easter Bunny. As a new parent, this was something I desperately wanted to experience. With the stress of having a newborn in the house and the stress of that newborn being sick for two months including a five day hospital stay, the whole family needed this vacation.

A week before the trip, Andrew contracted the flu but the doctor seemed to think that he would be well enough to travel by Friday. He responded well to the Tamiflu and did improve but his old respiratory symptoms that he has had for the last two months came back. We took him to the doctor and decided to cancel the trip. I was disappointed but I will always do what is best for my family.

The weather for Easter weekend was lovely and Andrew was feeling better. I was determined to find an Easter Bunny to take pictures with. I looked in the paper to see what events were happening. The one that really caught my eye was a Easter Egg Hunt at a farm about 20 miles from the house. After running our Saturday errands, we drove out to the farm. On the way, I saw an Easter Bunny waving at drivers at another farm that sells plants.

We got there about 30 minutes before the Easter Egg Hunt and I realized that there were way too many people here for me to try and battle them all with infant in toe to find eggs. We opted to eat the hot dogs and walk around a bit. Andrew was fascinated with watching all the kids rooting around for eggs and I got a couple of nice pictures. The announcer kept talking about an Easter Bunny but all we saw was someone in a chicken outfit. It did not look like we were going to find a bunny to take pictures with. I certainly did not want pictures with an Easter Chicken.

I said to Jen, “Let’s go back to that roadside Easter Bunny” and she agreed.

We drove to the other farm which was actually in the same direction as home. It’s a cute place and not nearly as large but they had a petting zoo and Jen is in love with all animals (think hamsters on YouTube). We spent time with the animals. It looked like the bunny was there to attract business and not necessarily there to greet kids and have his picture taken.

So, I did the only thing a self-respecting dad would do. I broke out of my socially awkward shell and mustered up enough courage to ask the Bunny if we could take a picture with him. This required quite a bit of emotional energy and I suspect I’ll be doing more things like this in the future.

This weekend felt like the first day of spring after a long hard winter.  The sun was high in the sky with a cool breeze blowing.  The air felt light and there was no humidity.  It was the first time I can recall that it was not cold and raining during the Cherry Blossom Festival.  While it would have been nice to go out and take pictures of the brilliant blooms at their peak, I did not relish the thought of competing with my fellow humans.  I prefer a solitary existence or at least an existence where there are no crowds. 

But, I had cabin fever and needed to get out of the house as much as a bear needs to get out after a long hibernation.  My son has been alive for five months now and had yet to experience the great outdoors.  I suppose that is the problem with being born in the winter.  On Saturday I had an appointment to get a haircut so I decided to pack the family into the car and take them along.  After the necessary grooming, we walked across the street to a restaurant for an equally necessary meal.  It seemed to me that every parent who’s child was born around the same time as ours had the same idea.  The dining room quickly filled with strollers, high chairs, car seats and infants from the age of three months to one year.   

After the sustenance and baby watching, we walked a block down to the park along the river.  This is the park where Jennifer and I would come on dates when we first started courting.  My goal was to enjoy some sun and fresh air and to take pictures of Andrew outside since all the pictures so far have not only been indoors, but most have been inside our house.

Andrew was a bit cranky and seemed a little warm as I held him.  He often feels warm to me and I assumed the runny nose and cough were the leftovers of the respiratory infection he had that put him in the hospital.

He was cranky all night long and awoke frequently.  Sunday morning, as we were getting ready for church, I picked him up and noticed that he felt warmer than the day before.  The thermometer had his temperature at 102 degrees.  We called the pediatrician, who fortunately has office hours on the weekends as well as weekdays and nights.  She asked us to come into the office.  We noticed he was also struggling to breathe.  The doctor proclaimed, and we agreed, that this was a new virus and not the one he had before.  The symptoms were completely different from the previous illness.  He had never had a fever or runny nose with the other infection.  The doctor was at a loss as to what to do because he had just finished 10 days of antibiotics so she told us to go home and watch him.  She said she would call in the evening to check on him.  As we were packing up to leave the office she remarked on a whim that maybe we should give him a flu test.  Five minutes later, Andrew was diagnosed with the flu.  The doctor was excited about this because now she had something she could treat.  We picked up a prescription of Tamiflu from the pharmacy on our way home.  So far he has not gotten any worse and his fever has gone down - all good signs.

Today, Andrew’s pre-school emailed to inform the parents that three people (not including Andrew) had contracted the flu.

Andrew has been sick for about 6 weeks now. It started out as what seemed to be a cold and developed into a viral infection of the lungs affecting his breathing. At first, we were not too concerned. He had just started daycare and we figured that catching a cold was pretty normal. When it didn’t clear up in two weeks, we took him to the doctor. He didn’t have a fever and was laughing and energetic, so she told us to just watch him and bring him back if he got worse.

The next week he started having trouble breathing and the doctor prescribed a nebulizer treatment. The week after, he continued to get worse and the doctor added a steroid treatment. The following week, when he was not responding to any of the treatments, she told us to go to the emergency room. He was clearly in respiratory distress at 70 breaths per minute and an O2 level of 90%. To make matters worse he is about 20% underweight.

We spent a long week in the hospital worrying about out little boy. They put him on oxygen, a diuretic, and a breathing treatment. It took him about a day to stabilize and the rest of the week to be weaned off the oxygen. Once his breathing came down to 40 breaths per minute and he was able to keep his oxygen level up on room air, they released him from the hospital. He is still wheezing and very congested and while we are grateful to not be in the hospital anymore, we are still concerned that he still has this infection. Our doctor said if he does not improve in the next few days she will consult with a pulmonologist.

It has been a crazy and stressful March and I hope that April will be a bit calmer. All the stress has finally gotten to me. In the last few days I have started having panic attacks, which is something I have not had in a while.

Our little Pop Tart

Our little Andrew is 4 months old today! These four months has felt like forever. I don’t remember my life without him and having him in my life seems like the most natural thing in the world. He's still not sleeping through the night. He usually wakes up every 3 - 4 hours to feed. On rare occasions, I get a 6 hour stretch and those are awesome!

The poor little guy has been suffering a cold for the last three weeks with a lot of coughing and congestion. But despite the discomfort of not being able to breathe properly, he has been a real trooper and has such a great attitude! He loves to laugh and smile and is really starting to show his personality. Mommy has brought him to my office a few times and gets so much attention from my colleagues.

At his doctor visit today, he weighed 12 pounds and measured 24″ tall. The doctor is a little concerned about his weight and told us to increase the powder in the formula. She also said he could start eating solid food but thinks we should wait a few weeks until his viral infection is gone.

He spits up quite a bit after feedings. I'm not sure if it because he is eating too much or I'm not burping him enough during feedings, but hopefully he will outgrow it soon! The doctor thinks it might be because of the mucus.

We have another doctor’s appointment in a week to check on his cold and his weight. They didn’t give him the scheduled vaccines today so we’ll need to wait until he feels better.

Andrew has started grabbing anything he can get his hands on

His birthmother gave us several Packers clothes

We are at a less busy time of the year at work which is good because ever since Andrew was born I have been having trouble focusing at work. I go into the office and surf the internet looking at parenting sites, wander the halls looking for colleagues to chat with about my son and today I even went down to my car and took a nap to dream of him. Although the nap was more a product of sleeplessness due to waking up for nightly feedings and crying (I'll let you guess who is the one crying).

I wish I could be more productive but all I can think about is my little guy. I suppose it does not help that I have pictures of him all over my office and on my computer but I am not taking them down. I have been wondering if this lack of industry on my part is normal; I assume that it is. But I also wonder if it will eventually fade and the “new normal” will sink in and I will go back to my normal daily routine.

Speaking of the little guy, he was 3 months old on Valentine’s Day.  It seems like such a short period of time and yet it seems like a lifetime ago. It is remarkable to see how he is growing. The credit goes to his mother. I’ve managed to kill plants sturdier than he is. He is just the cutest person I have ever laid my eyes on. It has been entertaining and hypnotizing sitting there watching him as he looks around the room in wonder and amazement and makes new sounds. He has learned now to smile and generally about once a day we can get him to laugh out loud as well; it is more of a giggle than a laugh, but it still melts my heart.

Even when he cries it feels good to know that I am the one who needs to soothe him and make him feel better. Sometimes, it is a challenge trying to calm Andrew down, but there is great joy in knowing that I have the responsibility for him; he is crying for me.

On Sunday, my mother is having a party for him. In lieu of having a baby shower, we decided to have an open house with my mother hosting. We invited about 14 adults and 11 kids to come meet Andrew. Our closest friends have met him of course, but there are still many people who have not. It is supposed to snow on Sunday so I am not sure what the turnout will be like.

Dear Son - 

I think I should explain to you why I call you Pop Tart. In our family, pop tarts are very special, but don’t ever eat one because they are very high in sugar and have very little nutritional value. The story of the pop tart is the story of how I met your mother. 

In late August 1995, I was a member of the local chapter of the Jaycees. They were having a conference in Roanoke. I had just broken up with a girl the month before so I wasn’t looking to get into a relationship. The Jaycees were a fun group of people so I thought this would be a good way to spend the weekend. 

That Friday, I got in my car and drove the four hours to the conference which was being held in a large outdoor area with pavilions. Everyone at the conference was paired up with two other people in the hotel room but I was lucky because I was only sharing the room with one other guy who’s name was Dave. 

That night, there was a cookout to welcome everyone. I was wondering around the lawn when I met your Aunt Alex (Troy’s mom) for the first time. We chatted for about 15 minutes when two of Aunt Alex’s friends walked up and she introduced me to a woman named Kim and another woman who would later turn out to be your mother. The three of them were sharing a hotel room together and had driven down with my roommate Dave. 

I remember your mother was wearing a pink polo shirt and beige shorts and her eyes sparkled in the moonlight. She had the biggest, friendliest smile I had ever seen. Your mother and I spent the rest of that evening talking. The next morning, I found your mother and we ended up sitting together at all the meetings. That night, the Jaycees were having a dinner at a restaurant but your mom and her roommates didn’t have a car because they had gotten a ride with Dave. So, I drove Aunt Alex, Kim, and your mom to the dinner. Your mother and I sat together at dinner and couldn’t stop talking to each other. We had a lot in common and enough things different that it made getting to know her very interesting. I knew from the moment I met your mother that I liked her, but I didn’t know how she felt about me. Later that night, the four of us were driving back from the long evening, and I mentioned that I was hungry and wanted to stop to grab something to eat. 

Your mother looked at me and said, “Oh, if you don’t want to stop, I have a pop tart back at the hotel.” 

I didn’t stop. The four of us went back to the hotel room where your mother and I shared her last pop tart. When she gave me that pop tart, I knew she liked me too because let’s face it son, you don’t give your last pop tart to just anybody. The next day it was time to pack up and go home so your mother gave me her phone number. 

A couple of days later I called her for a first date and she ended up standing me up. But that’s a story for another time. 

I love you Pop Tart!

After several years of mild winters, this year’s cold season seems less bearable. It harkens me back to my college days when I would have to take a train and two busses just to get to school in the frigid and windy weather. To add insult to injury, I would need to march from building to building across the campus to get to my classes all the while avoiding icy patches and contracting wind burns on my face. Because of this, I have not had any adoration for the winter season. 

However, over the last several years of “global warming” (if you are a liberal) or “climate change” (if you are a conservative) I was beginning to rethink my stance on the first quarter of the year. Oh how wrong I was! Old man winter has been awakened from his hibernation and come out of his den with the vengeance of a hungry black bear. I am fortunate that now I have a car to protect me from the elements and I have a garage at the office. Also, I have the luxury to work in an office and no need to go outside if I chose not to. 

Temperatures for most of January have been in the 20s, which I realize is not cold if you live in the north, but to us folk below the Mason-Dixon Line, it is unbearable. I was overjoyed today to have the mercury reach 58 degrees and the sun shine bright. Even though Punxsutawney Phil sees another six weeks of winter. Tomorrow of course, we are forecasted to have another snow storm so we took this window of opportunity to experience “outside”. We decided to take Andrew for a walk to a park in our neighborhood.

Even in the grey of winter we still have some greenery

This trail winds its way across the entire county and connects all the parks.

A walk in the park

The creek is frozen

I always love coming to this bridge - even in the winter

  

Later that day - Watching the Super Bowl and cringing!

Having a baby through adoption is different than having a biological baby. For one thing, you don’t have a baby growing inside your wife for nine months so you don’t get attached to the baby as it develops in the womb. How will you instantly love this little person right after birth when you have never even experienced so much as feeling a kick, hearing the heartbeat, watching your wife’s belly (and baby) grow or sensing the anxiety about what you will do when your wife’s water breaks.

It is also different because the baby is genetically different than you and will not have your nose or her eyes or anyone’s hair. To make matters worse, you have no insight or control over his inherited medical issues. People will be able to see that this is not your baby. He is not made up from parts of you and therefore you have no biological or natural claim to it. 

Although I knew that whatever baby came into our life, that was the baby we were meant to have and raise, I still had these fears and thoughts about adoption. I thought when a baby was born, that I would have a detached sense of responsibility towards him that would over time grow into love. I also wondered if I would ever feel like he was truly my son since I had not created him and he was not biologically part of me. 

When I met the birth parents five weeks before Andrew was born, I was surprised at the similar personalities, educational backgrounds, career paths and ethnic heritage. This proved to solidify my belief that Andrew truly was the baby that we were meant to raise. The ethnic similarities gave me confidence that he would have similar features to my wife and me and allayed my concerns that he would not be biologically or genetically ours. The parallel personalities, educational backgrounds and career paths were eerily alike and made me think that I might have it all wrong. In essence, it was as if God was saying to make you believe that I have selected this child for you, I will show you traits of yourself in the birth parents. 

Andrew at 1 Day Old

We were in the waiting room during the delivery. Once Andrew was born, the nurse brought us back to meet him. As I saw him through the glass of the window of the nursery, my heart dissolved. That was MY son I was looking at. Immediately, our futures flashed before my eyes and I saw pictures of him crawling, talking, cheerios and goldfish, pumpkin carvings, playing catch in the back yard, going camping, his first date, his first car (panic attack), graduation, Halloween costumes, Christmas, and him growing up to be an old man. I didn’t have to wait for the love to grow over time; I was already in love. 

We were fortunate in that, we were given our own private room at the hospital. Andrew stayed with us in our room and the doctors and nurses came to talk to us about whatever needed to be discussed or decisions needed to be made. It made us feel as if we were the ones who had given birth. 

Andrew at 10 Weeks Old

Now, 11 weeks later, I love him with all my heart and there is no question in my mind that he is MY son just as if I had created him.